To the person who did the thing, I’m letting it go.
It’s been about 2 years since you did the worst thing that anyone ever did to me. You betrayed my trust in a way a friend should never do, and then you tried to ruin my marriage with the information you had. That’s unacceptable to me and it always will be.
But I can’t hold onto my hatred forever. I can’t sit here and let it stew. I don’t think about you every day. Frankly you aren’t worth that in my life, nor will you ever be. As far as I’m concerned you’re just a piece of crap who in my past hurt me. Join the list. It’s a long one. Yours is a difference only in magnitude.
I think about you when I think of how far I’ve come. How, after being dragged out of the closet by the nape of my neck by someone in a small circle of friends I trusted, I’ve bounced back and I’m a much stronger person than the scared one who cried on the morning you did what you did. In a perverted kind of way, I actually owe you a thank you because once that last wall was broken down there was nothing left to keep me scared and hiding any longer.
Thinking about it as I write this, I don’t even hate you. I’ve told people numerous times that you’re the one person in my life who I hate. Even that’s not true any more if I give it some thought. I’m indifferent toward you. Utterly, completely, and irrevocably indifferent. I’m not burning any more energy thinking about how much I hate you or how much you hurt me. I’m not going to see the video that I made that started the whole thing and think about how it began a series of events that culminated in you doing the worst thing to me you could’ve done all over a stupid unrelated squabble.
None of it matters. You know why? Because just like I told you in the letter I wrote a few days after you wronged me, I’m a better person than you. That’s not arrogance speaking, that’s my heart. I would never do what you did to me to anyone. Ever. In my life I’ve had plenty of people go from friend to enemy, and I carry their secrets to the grave because I believe that even when the friendship ends that bond of trust is inviolate. The things I know about you could destroy you. You know it. I know it. You’ll never have to worry about me betraying you because, unlike you, I don’t swing your dirty secrets over your head on a rope ready to cut your throat with them when I can use them to best suit my own personal revenge fantasies.
I’m out now. I’m not hiding who I am. This week I started wearing a ring I bought for myself a few months ago but didn’t really have the courage to wear. It’s a pride ring. And I’m not ashamed. I’m not hiding. I’m proud of who I am, how I made the best of a situation I didn’t deserve to be in, and how my true friends, who I love dearly, stood right next to me, shoulder to shoulder, and dared those who would hurt me to even attempt it. If they were going to hurt me, they’d have to get through them first.
You could learn a lot from my friends.
Today I’m letting it all go. Every time I look at that ring on my finger, I’m going to think of you. Not how you betrayed me or hurt me or forced me to be myself in a way I wasn’t ready to be. When I see this ring it’s going to remind to be proud of who I am, what I’ve been through, and how I’ve come through it un-scarred, unscathed, and better than I was.
At my worst I’m a better person than you ever were or will be. At my best I’m damn near unstoppable, and right now? I’m at my best.
Your hold over me? It’s over.
Much like the rest of the trash that was picked up at my curb this morning, you no longer have residency in my mind, in my heart, in my soul, or anywhere else.
Being out of the closet was liberating, for sure.
But having you out of my head? Even better, and they don’t even make a ring for it.